two words: eviction party
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am one with the molecules
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
