I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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