I met the friendliest cop last night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
