According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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