I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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