im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
