Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
