you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
