You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
