Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
