I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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