I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
