I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
