if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
