U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
