I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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