Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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