And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
