I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
