Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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