apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
