Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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