farters have to be the big spoon...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
