I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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