What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
