im six kinds of drunk right now
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
