I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
