i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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