Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
