youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
