I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
