turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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