I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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