I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
