This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
