Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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