I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
