I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
