Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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