so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
