And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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