drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
