I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
