I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
