Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
