she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
