forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
