I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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