I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
