just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
